Balancing darkness and light in my writings has always been a core component of my themes. A Dirge for the Malice and A Portrait of the Heartland are excellent examples of this. This summer has been a whirlwind of creativity for me. I’ve been working on a horror novel with the Christian themes of forgiveness, reconciliation, and rebuilding a life. In the first three weeks, I wrote an astonishing 40,451 words. I believe this is some of my best fiction writing to date. However, this past week, I’ve only managed to write 4,059 words in four days. A darkness is taking over the story—a darkness that will ultimately be defeated, but it has made me question the direction and audience of my work. Is it for the Christian market or the secular market? Once again, I find myself in the gray area: not Christian enough for Christians and not secular enough for the secular audience.
Also, my sleep has been restless all summer. When my mind is in full production mode, it struggles to shut down. Two nights ago, I had nightmares and kept seeing a Native American man on a horse at the edge of my peripheral vision as if he were leading me into the different scenes of the nightmares. Last night, sleep evaded me entirely. The nightmares from the night before made me wary of falling asleep. Eventually, I got up and binged some Battlestar Galactica until 5:00 in the morning before finally catching a few hours of sleep. And when sleep came, the dreams were dark and heavy, and this time, a child on a tricycle moved through the middle of my dreams, directing me from one scene to the next. This child wasn’t on the periphery but at the center, guiding me through scenes that felt overwhelmingly evil. The story I’m writing involves the ghosts of children crying out for help from my protagonist, making these dreams feel eerily connected to my writing.
I began to worry that my journey in writing this novel isn’t led by the Holy Spirit but perhaps other spirits. Despite the quality of the writing, I questioned whether I should continue. But then I remembered the types of stories I was meant to write—those that resonate with the hum of real life while exploring the spiritual world around us. Everything in my being points to this type of novel, so it’s not surprising that I’m drawn to this style and content. Yet, I still wonder: am I following the correct path, or am I being led astray?
This morning, during my Bible study time, I was led to a sermon series by Dr. Mark Bailey, Chancellor of Dallas Theological Seminary. This is a three-lesson mini course called God’s Work God’s Way and is based on the book of Haggai. The first sermon focused on Haggai chapter 1, where God calls out the Israelites for working on their own houses while His house lay unfinished. God even asks them if they know what they’re doing. Their misplaced priorities led to an unsatisfied lifestyle: “You have planted much, but harvested little. You eat, but never have enough. You drink, but never have your fill. You put on clothes, but are not warm. You earn wages, only to put them in a purse with holes in it” (Haggai 1:5-6).
In verses 7 and 8, God tells the Israelites what He wants them to do, and in verses 9-11, He explains that the drought in their lives is due to their disobedience. Only when the Israelites prioritize God’s work over their own affairs and begin to follow His ways does God refer to them as “the remnant.” Dr. Bailey concluded with three key points from this chapter:
- Obedience is the right response to the revelation of God.
- Worship is the right response to God’s spirit.
- Service is the right response to the unfinished work of God.
Reflecting on my inner struggles over the past few days and the insights from this sermon, I believe the Lord has spoken to me through His word. While other spirits may be fighting to lead me in writing this story, God wants me to “give careful thought to (my) ways.” My misplaced priorities have led to an unsatisfied lifestyle, focusing too much on what I want from my writing rather than what God wants from me. Obedience to God’s will is the only answer—an obedience that leads to worship and service for His glory, not my own. My writing should aim to build up other believers, not my career. He must be the center and focus, and I must trust and follow His ways.
As I write these words, my heart feels lighter. It is not uncommon for the Lord to speak to me through my dreams (or nightmares). Obedience to God’s word, rather than acting solely on dreams or nightmares, is crucial. It is the Word of God that calls me to action and reinforces the Spirit’s guidance.
This journey of faith and writing has its challenges, but it also brings revelations and growth. As I continue to navigate the balance between darkness and light in my novel, I am reminded that my ultimate goal is to honor God in all that I do, trusting in His plan and following His guidance.
After spending the day meditating on this issue, I wrote this follow-up.
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